WHY?

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Why do you need to hide of those little things that I should know?
Why do you need to lie and turn around things against me?
Why you get easily irritated and upset with me if I ask you about anything?
Why you always make me feel that you just pretend to like me every time we talk?.

Why do you need my help when you have more than enough for you?
Why do you need to use me and forget those things that I’ve done for you?
Why do you ignore my messages and calls after you got what you ask from me?
Why can’t you introduce me to your friends and family, if you really consider me as your girlfriend?

Why you made me fall with you if you really don’t care about me at all?
Why you made me believe that I’m the only one when there is somebody else with you?
Why you started to build this relationship and just ended it so soon?
Why you just decided to ignore and leave me without saying a word?

Why I let myself to fall in this kind of cruel feelings again?
Why I let myself to be a victim and feel this pain one more time?
Why I let myself to be deaf and blind again and again?
Why I let you enter my life and created a weak version of me?

Why can’t I stop crying and thinking about you all night?
Why can’t I stop loving your imperfections and giving good reasons about it?
Why can’t I erase those memories of you and just move on?
Why can’t I teach myself to hate you and completely take you off my life?

Why I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, though I see reasons to doubt about your feelings for me.
Why I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, though I know that I’m the only one who cares about us.
Why I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, though I know you don’t consider me as “the one”
Why I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, though I know that you don’t love me that way I love you.

 

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I am stupid because of you.

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Yesterday was a long a day. Spent my entire day thinking and waiting for your messages. But unfortunately, it was only me who was thinking about you. It was only me who cares about US. It was only me who wants this relationship to work out. It was only me who definitely think and believes that we have “US”..

I met you thru dating site. We chatted for months and decided to meet. We met in a very unusual incident. Who would expect and or even think that we will spend our first date in a police station? But it was great a night, after the police station, we had a great chat over a drink and ended the night with smiles.

After that night, we chatted and then  suddenly it stop for a while. After a month of “on and off communication”, we decided to meet again. I flew to your country just to see you. We spent 4 days and 3 nights, and it was amazing. I woke up every morning with breakfast on bed that you prepared deliciously. We went to places and you made it unforgettable moments for me. You were my official photographer and every shot was an expression of how happy I am during those days with you. You definitely captured my heart. On the day I left your place, you kneel down and ask me to come back and make this relationship work out despite of our distance. Though it will be our first time to be in a long distance relationship,  I made a promise to you that we will work this out.

Lately, things are getting more complicated between us. We’ve been far away with each other for months already, we argue most of the times. Caught you again and again of lies after lies, but still I forgave you. I don’t understand myself, why I always choose to believe in you.  And it’s funny, coz once I  discuss it with you, you will always make me feel that it’s my mistake, it’s my fault and I should be the one apologizing and should be guilty about it. Yes, you are very good at it,  Or should I say, I let my self to be blind and deaf again and again.

You made me the happiest person for 4 amazing days when I was with you, but today you are giving me the worst feeling that made me sick all day. How I wish I could just stop thinking about you. I must admit, I am a stupid woman right now. 

(Picture is courtesy of Prashant Dharmapurkar.photography)

 

 

at this moment, this is what i feel.

This time, you are literally occupying my mind. I tried to keep myself busy, but I can’t help myself to keep checking on phone, hoping that you will message me, though I know that you are sleeping deeply in your own comfy bed. But I am not sure if you are sleeping alone or enjoying the cold of the night with somebody else around your arms.

I cannot work properly because the only thing that comes into my mind is YOU. What I have done to deserve all heartaches? All I wanted to do is to stop the time so I could stop the pain the I’m feeling right now. I really hate the fact that I do miss you so much despite of what you have done to me lately. I hate the fact that I’m still hoping that you will think of me. I hate the fact that my heart still longs for you despite my brains told me to hate you.silhoutte5

I thought that I learned from my past experiences but here I am again, having the same pain again and again. I don’t want to cry but I cannot lie to myself, and crying is the only thing that relieves me from all these feelings. 

Dear God, I’ve been asking you this many times and here I am again asking you the same thing, Why is it hard for you to give me the person who would make me happy?

 

 

 

 

The start of everything

How and where will I start with the journey that I would like to travel with you?

Let me start by saying that, I think  I am one of those woman who is not lucky enough to have the true love of my life. 

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My “real life” started when I was 21, where I met this guy who I though would be my forever one. We fell in love on the first time that we saw each other. He became my life ever since, gave him my everything. But deep inside I know that he will not be my forever though I love him so much. Times passed, our relationship grew up, we got married and had our amazing kid. Our relationship was on the rock most of the times. He frequently cheated on me and I forgave him again and again. One day, I accidentally found out that he has a kid, a kid who is older than our kid. He had an affair and serious relationship while we were trying to build our own relationship. Since then, everything shattered. Everything fall apart. I lost my trust on him. I lost my love with him. I lost everything that I felt for him…. and that’s the start of my unperfect life. I became weak and wanted to end my life. How this guy could cheat on me? I loved him more that I loved myself and my family, but he  cheated on me for a very long time. But what could I do, i love my family and would like to save our marriage.. so i forgave him and started to move on and rebuild our relationship. I guess, it’s not easy for him just to be faithful with me. Again, he cheated and cheated and cheated with me. And of course, I am so stupid to forgive and forgive and forgive him again and again. I fought for our relationship. I stayed with him so my kid could have a family. I let myself to be blind and deaf despite of everything that I heard and witnessed. I let myself to be called a martyr, stupid, crazy, weak, whatever you want to call me and that’s ME. 

And one day, I woke up and I felt that emptiness on my heart. I felt that I don’t care anymore. I felt that I’ve been very stupid for soooooo longggg that I just need to be free and don’t care anything at all. And for the first time in my life, I told myself “IT’S ENOUGH” and decided firmly to leave that miserable marriage life, and that’s the only time that I felt so released….

Though I gave myself freedom, I still have these questions and remain unanswered. Why is it so hard for a man to be faithful with his wife? Why man needs to cheat and cheat again? Why man cannot be contented with one woman? Why man could hurt and make a woman cry again and again? Why man cannot fought for his family the way woman could do? Why I have to ask these questions right now, despite of giving my very best to the man I loved. 

 

 

 

 

 

Who Am I?

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 I am daughter & a sister who cannot be a failure on the eyes of my family. I am a single mom who cannot be a disgrace of my wonderful kid. I am woman who cannot be weak in the presence of my friends. I am a lady boss who cannot be a loser in front of my team. I am a woman who would like to share all my experiences in life and keep my personality in a mysterious way. I am a woman who could only be the real me beyond the silhouette pictures.  I am woman who is delicate as a butterfly but would like to be free and fly like a bird. I am a woman who would like to be  “Just ME, Just the way I am”.

I am not a professional blogger or writer. I don’t have perfect life or even trying to be a perfect person. I could say that I am a very ordinary person, a simple woman who desperately wants to voice out what’s inside my heart. I really don’t care if I will have a lot of followers or visitors. I create this page so I could be the real person inside me. This is the only way I could share all my experiences in life, my pains, my tears, my happiness, my unforgettable moments, my love experiences, my failures, my frustrations and everything about me. 

Your curiosity might brought you to my page, and let me THANK YOU for taking time on checking on me. Expect that everything that I will write here are from my very own life & my own experiences. So, please understand if I have to hide myself mysteriously. 

I CANNOT OFFER YOU ANYTHING, BUT ONLY THE REAL ME. 

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